Interview with a Miserable
by Argentine Rose
Summary: Just what it says on the tin! My screen persona asks assorted mizzies some v silly questions. Will we gain insight and wisdom? Probs not. Will we have a laugh? Hopefully yes. FINISHED
1. Grantaire

Interview with a Miserable 1 - Grantaire  
  
Argentine; My Lords, Ladies and Lupins (flower or werewolf - whichever you prefer), I would like to welcome you to the first in this series of interviews during which I hope to bring you dazzling, never before revealed insights into the minds of the characters of Les Miserable (which, incidentally, belongs to Victor Hugo)  
  
_Argentine enters a swanky talk show studio - all over-stuffed sofas and horrid flower arrangements  
  
_Argentine; Isn't this nice - I feel just like Oprah, but slimmer. Anyway, first up I would like to welcome that dazzling pin-up of the ABC Society - Grantaire!  
Audience; (in unison); WTF?  
Argentine; Ok. Ok. He was the only one I could get at short notice. Welcome Grantaire!  
  
_Grantaire ambles onto the stage looking dishevelled and clutching a bottle of Sancerre as tightly as if it were his first born child.  
_  
Argentine; Great to have you here  
Grantaire; Great to be here Ma Belle Cherie.  
Argentine; He's so nice, isn't he? Anyway, first question. What is your idea of perfect happiness?  
Grantaire; A full glass, a pretty girl - actually I'd settle for Enjolras not avoiding me.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?  
Grantaire; Bad oysters and ugly waitresses.  
  
Argentine; With which historical figure do you most identify?  
Grantaire; Nero  
  
Argentine; Which living person do you most admire and why?  
Grantaire; Enjolras and I 'm not telling you why - it's too disgustingly sentimental  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?  
Grantaire; My inability to take anything seriously.  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?  
Grantaire; The fact that they take everything too seriously  
  
Argentine; What is your most embarrassing moment?  
Grantaire; Ask Joly - I don't remember any of them.  
  
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?  
Grantaire; None. My licence was confiscated last month by a certain inspector of police.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?  
Grantaire; I would say alcohol but that's a necessity.  
  
Argentine; What objects to you always carry with you?  
Grantaire; 3 hip flasks  
  
Argentine; Where would you like to live?  
Grantaire; Sodom - or maybe Gomorrah.  
  
Argentine; What makes you depressed?  
Grantaire; What doesn't make me depressed?  
  
Argentine; What do you most dislike about your appearance?  
Grantaire; The fact that I look like a really bad hashish trip even when sober.  
  
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?  
Grantaire; Finishing the contents of other peoples' glasses when they're not looking.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?  
Grantaire; Whisky with a whisky chaser.  
  
Argentine What is your favourite word?  
Grantaire; Cheers!  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite building?  
Grantaire; The Ermitage on Boulevard de Mairie.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?  
Grantaire; The time I tried to walk to Dover was quite fun!  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite book?  
Grantaire; The Michelin restaurant guide.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?  
Grantaire; Taking Enjolras home to meet my parents.  
  
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?  
Grantaire; Didn't - why bother?  
  
Argentine; How will you vote in the next election?  
Grantaire; However Enjolras tells me.

Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?  
Grantaire; No.  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?  
Grantaire; No.  
  
Argentine; For what cause would you die/  
Grantaire; Anything involving Enjolras or a large bowl of bouillabaisse.  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?  
Grantaire; You shock me!  
  
Argentine; What - or who - is the greatest love of your life?  
Grantaire; Enjolras, booze, Enjolras, booze . . .Oh God - the indecision!  
  
Argentine; Which living person do you most despise and why?  
Grantaire; The religious maniac that knocked on my door this morning - woke me up just to say that alcohol is the work of Satan.  
  
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?  
Grantaire; Temperance.  
  
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?  
Grantaire; Well, I've said 'I mean it' without loving you  
  
Argentine; What words or phrases do you most overuse?  
Grantaire; 'More', 'Wine' and 'Please'  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?  
Grantaire; Having the 16th bottle last night.  
  
Argentine; When were you happiest?  
Grantaire; Having the 16th bottle last night.  
  
Argentine; How do you relax?  
Grantaire; Politics  
  
Argentine; How often do you have sex?  
Grantaire; Oh, all the time Cherie, all the time.  
  
Argentine; What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?  
Grantaire; Late night shopping twice a week.  
  
Argentine; What would your motto be?  
Grantaire; In vino veritas.  
  
Argentine; What keeps you awake at night?  
Grantaire; The thought that there might not be enough calvados to go with my morning coffee.  
  
Argentine; How would you like to die?  
Grantaire; Between courses at a fancy restaurant.  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in life after death?  
Grantaire; If there's life after absinthe then it must be possible.  
  
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?  
Grantaire; As a good friend and a generous tipper.  
  
Argentine; What is the most important lesson life has taught you?  
Grantaire; Believe in nothing.  
  
Argentine; Well isn't he nice? You're so cool Grantaire - I wish I had an older brother just like you.  
Grantaire; Does that mean I haven't pulled?  
Argentine; Indeed  
Grantaire; OH. D'you want to go for a drink anyway?  
Argentine; Blatantly 


	2. Javert

Interview with a Miserable - Javert  
  
_Argentine is sprawled across one of the studio's pouffy sofas._  
  
Argentine; Well, after a three day bender with Grantaire and four days in The Priory drying out, I'm back with another exciting edition of 'Interview with a Miserable'. He's the only man with sidewhiskers that you'll ever be allowed to admit to finding attractive without subsequently being taken to the nuthouse - please give a very warm welcome to Inspector Javert!  
  
_Everyone cheers except a small raggedy group at the front who hold up a 'Death to the Mouchard' banner and boo loudly.  
_  
Argentine; Who let Patron-Minette in? Great! Guys could you shut up cos I think Javert's feeling a bit nervous and you're not being very supportive.  
  
_They continue to boo  
_  
Argentine; Shut up or I sing!  
  
_Silence  
_  
Argentine; Good. Come on in Javert.  
  
_Javert enters with an air of trepidation. He has been thoroughly 'groomed' by the studio team - imagine Javert dressed as James Bond - and looks a little uncomfortable.  
_  
Argentine; Monsieur l'Inspecteur, lovely to see you. You're looking very dashing.  
Javert; Er, yes. I'm not too sure about this, er, new image myself - although the shirt is nice.  
Argentine Well just try to relax. Snuff? Ok , what is your idea of perfect happiness?  
Javert; Solving a difficult case then indulging my snuff habit.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?  
Javert; Spiders; Gypsies; Confined spaces; your make-up artist . . .  
  
Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?  
Javert; Vidocq - although, since he's not dead he's not technically a historical figure.  
  
Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?  
Javert; The King, because he's the King.  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?  
Javert; Sometimes my inability to lie gets me into awkward situations when going undercover.  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?  
Javert; Dishonesty.  
  
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?  
Javert; Oh, I'm afraid they're all classified information. Show me a letter from the Prefect and I'll tell you.  
  
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?  
Javert; None - but I always have a fiacre on hand in case of need.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?  
Javert; Freshly laundered shirts. As a representative of the law one has to look polished at all times.  
  
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?  
Javert; Watch, money, police card, notebook. I used to have two pistols before some horrid little lawyer absconded with 'em!  
  
Argentine; Where would you like to live?  
Javert; I like living in Paris, which is fortunate. However, I do wish M le Prefet would stop turning down my requests to move into the prefecture.  
  
Argentine; What makes you depressed?  
Javert; Pondering on my own defects and the lawless and degraded state of society. Oh - and happy couples kissing in the park. I mean - STOP IT! What makes you think we want to see!  
  
Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?  
Javert; Are you insinuating something about my ethnic background? Actually, I think my nose is a bit of weird.  
  
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?  
Javert; I don't think arresting people wins me any friends.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?  
Javert; Freshly laundered shirts  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite word?  
Javert; I like most of them. Although 'you're nicked' is the tops!  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite building?  
Javert; The prison complex in Toulon - oh the happy memories!  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?  
Javert; Walking back from the Conciergerie on a summer's evening - the sun glinting on the Seine, twilight over Paris, the first stars beginning to appear . . .  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite book?  
Javert; Um, I'm not really a great one for books. Alright, I admit it. I have a soft spot for 'Pride and Prejudice'.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?  
Javert; Becoming Prefect of Police! Mwahahaha!  
  
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?  
Javert; As a humble Inspector of Police I am not eligible to vote.  
  
Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?  
Javert; Were you listening to me just then?

Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?  
Javert; No! How could you even think it?  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?  
Javert; Yes.  
  
Argentine; For what cause would you die?  
Javert; The majesty of the law.  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?  
Javert; Do I look like the kind of man to cheat on a woman?

Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?  
Javert; the police service, followed by my sidewhiskers.  
  
Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?  
Javert; the religious maniac that knocked on my door this morning. Woke me up just to tell me to be kind and merciful.  
  
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?  
Javert; Mercy.

Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?  
Javert; But that would be a lie! What kind of man do you take me for?  
  
Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?  
Javert; 'You're nicked' - occupational hazard.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?  
Javert; Other than being a 52 year old virgin and never catching Valjean?  
  
Argentine; When were you happiest?  
Javert; The day I arrested Valjean after the Champmathieu affair. Hahaha!  
  
Argentine; How do you relax?  
Javert; Say what?  
  
Argentine; How often do you have sex?  
Javert (_turning an attractive shade of crimson_); Um, if you'd been listening to my previous answers then you'd know that. . . . Please don't make me say it again!  
  
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?  
Javert; For the police force to be given greater respect and funding. Or to become prefect. Or maybe a nice clean shirt.  
  
Argentine; What would your motto be?  
Javert; Surveillance et vigilance.

Argentine; What keeps you up at night?  
Javert; Patron-minette.  
  
Argentine; How would you like to die?  
Javert; In the cause of justice.  
  
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?  
Javert; As a just and upright man.  
  
Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?  
Javert; Integrity is your most valuable possession. And never to sit too close to a hot stove.  
Argentine; Well thank you Javert - you've surprised me by giving a genuinely revealing interview. You're a bit of a secret old romantic aren't you  
  
_Javert blushes_  
  
Argentine; Would you like to go for a drink?  
Javert; Mademoiselle nothing would give me greater pleasure but unfortunately I am on patrol duty tonight.  
Argentine; I have a letter from the prefect . . .  
Javert; In that case - do you know anywhere that serves good Manhattans?


	3. Fantine

Interview with a Miserable - Fantine  
  
_Kent, an LA TV-exec type person stereotype, paces frantically up and down the 'interview set' set shouting into his mobile.  
  
_Kent; Look, so where are you? We're on air in five so get your butt down to the studio right now!. What on earth have you been doing - for a week? Whaddaya mean 'I'm in the fiacre now'? What the hell's a fiacre anyway? Is that Javert I can hear in the background? Let me talk to him. (Pause) What in the name of San Jose are you playing at? I've had the Prefect on the phone and everything - we were gonna call the Bureau of Missing Persons. Whaddaya mean 'you went for cocktails'? Who goes for cocktails for a week? Just so long as you do mean 20 seconds. (Puts down phone). Apparently they had an extensive menu. Jeez! Wish I'd taken the job at CNN Like my mother told me.  
  
_Argentine stumbles on set looking like the Damned part of 'The Beautiful and the Damned' - all evening frock and bleary eye makeup. Kent glares at her  
  
_Argentine; What? What? I'm here now aren't I?  
  
_Kent's glare intensifies  
_  
Argentine; I was with Inspector goody-two shoes - what could I possible have gotten up to?  
  
Kent; Don't go reading 'National Enquirer' or 'Heat' any time soon. Just sit down.  
  
_Argentine sits  
_  
Argentine; Ummm. Oh - today's guest is one for the men in our audience - she's blonde, beautiful and buxom so please welcome Montreuil's very own Lovely Lady. It's Fantine!  
  
_Fantine enters looking very much worse for wear. She has been made over by the studio team to be about 1o times more dishevelled and pitiful than she was when arrested. She now looks like Grizabella the glamour cat.  
_  
Audience; WTF?  
Argentine; What happened to you?  
Fantine; I know. The studio team did it - said they wanted the sympathy vote  
  
_She sniffs pitifully them begins to cough_  
  
Argentine; Are you ok? Is it the consumption?  
Fantine; No, they sat me in a smoky room before I came on.  
Argentine; Riiiight - the world has officially gone mad. Anyway, what is your idea of perfect happiness?  
Fantine; Leading a quiet, orderly life with my child.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?  
Fantine; Not being able to pay for Cosette . .  
  
Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?  
Fantine; Josephine Bonaparte - some short, ugly guy chased her around for ages declaring his undying love. Then, when she finally fell for him, he dumped her.  
  
Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?  
Fantine; Marguerite, my neighbour. Can I wave (_Waves)_ Actually, since we're too poor to have a TV, that was a bit pointless

Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?  
Fantine; Gullibility

Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others;  
Fantine; Unkindness and slavish adoration of Pere Madeleine

Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?  
Fantine; Being dumped by my lover in a fancy restaurant - though at least he paid.

Argentine; What vehicles do you own?  
Fantine; Are you mad?  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?  
Fantine; Eau-de-vie 

Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?  
Fantine; I sold them all. So, only my shame.  
  
Argentine; Where would you like to live?  
Fantine; I've got this dream - a little place, white chain link fence. Somewhere that's green.  
  
Argentine; What makes you depressed?  
Fantine; This hell I'm living.  
  
Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?  
Fantine; Having no front teeth.  
  
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?  
Fantine; Coughing up blood. And I'm an aggressive drunk.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?  
Fantine; You know that milky smell babies have? That.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite word?  
Fantine; Cosette

Argentine; What is your favourite building?  
Fantine; Don't have one.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?  
Fantine; Home from a night's work with money in my pocket.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite book?  
Fantine; I can't read.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?  
Fantine; Torturing Pere Madeleine to death

Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?  
Fantine; I'm a woman.

Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?  
Fantine; I will still be a woman.  
  
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?  
Fantine; I don't know.  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?  
Fantine; Only for really bad people.  
  
Argentine; For what cause would you die?  
Fantine; Cosette 

Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?  
Fantine; With all my heart.  
  
Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?  
Fantine; Cosette  
  
Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?  
Fantine; Pere Madeleine, because he's a ! What do you consider the most overrated virtue?  
Fantine; Chastity - or any other virtue possessed by Pere Madeleine  
  
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?  
Fantine; No! Never!  
  
Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?  
Fantine; Don't it make a change to have a girl who can't refuse?  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?  
Fantine; Never learning to use the word 'no'

Argentine; When were you happiest?  
Fantine; When hope was high and life worth living,  
  
Argentine; How do you relax?  
Fantine; Can't afford to.  
  
Argentine; How often do you have sex  
Fantine; A night? A week?  
  
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?  
Fantine; I'm supposed to say a job, healthcare and greater tolerance for single mothers. What I really want is for Pere Madeleine to die a painful death.  
  
Argentine; What would your motto be?  
Fantine; All men are bastards

Argentine; What keeps you up at night?  
Fantine; Hunger pangs, customers and fantasies of torturing M Madeleine.  
  
Argentine; How would you like to die?  
Fantine; Peacefully, surrounded by family.  
  
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?  
Fantine; As a good mum

Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?  
Fantine; Once again, all men are bastards.  
Argentine; With the possible exceptions of Grantaire and Javert, yes they are. And I'm sure those two are only nice cos I haven't slept with them. Kent, however, is the biggest bastard -  
Fantine; What about Pere Madeleine?  
Argentine; Joint biggest. Shall we go out to a bar for a girly bottle of chardonnay and complain about men?  
Fantine; Where can we go dressed like this?  
Argentine; Better be a goth bar.


	4. Marius

Interview with a Miserable - Marius  
  
_Shaznay, a gum chewing surly cockney work-experience kid, is lounging on the sofa reading 'Heat' magazine. Kent enters looking very annoyed.  
  
_Kent; (_muttering under his breath_) not again, she can't have gone again, this is not happening again. You, kid! Get your butt down to Starbucks and get me an extra large decaf soya latte!  
Shaznay; Waz your problem man? Someone fell out of the grumpy tree this mornin'!  
Kent; It's Argentine, she's disappeared again - no idea where she is - oh my god! Deep breathes, deep breathes.  
Shaznay; Yeah, I know man - ses in here. (_shows magazine_)  
Kent; _(reads in horror_) "Argentine and friend - rumoured to be an exotic dancer named Fantine - decided to embark on a 'Thelma and Louise' style road trip. This was somewhat hampered by the fact that neither of them are able to drive!" Well, I'm just gonna have to stop her ever going out again - any bright ideas kid?. Come on, this is your magical moment of glory. Maybe we could lock her in a cupboard -  
Shaznay; Cha, man, actually I DO have an idea (_whispers in his ear. Kent_ _gives a demonic smile)._ And don' call me 'kid' - me name's Shaznay man.  
Kent ; now, to find Argentine . . .  
Shaznay; She's been in her dressing room for hours mate. Me mate Kelly's paintin' 'er nails for 'er..  
  
_Argentine saunters onto the stage with diamenté nails.  
  
_Kent; Why can't you behave? _(Waves magazine in her face_). What is this about?  
Argentine; Oh, it's fine - we didn't get past Montmatre before we crashed into a lamp post. Anyway, M Gisquet was very nice about the whole thing and we've come to an arrangement. Javert is my new mentor - I have to phone him every hour and he's going to help me to become a responsible adult.  
Kent; Could they actually have chosen a worse mentor than Inspector 'Manhattans, snuff and moonlit walks by the Seine' Javert?  
Argentine; (_Deadpan)_ Grantaire?  
Shaznay; _(smirking_) Today's guest is here, innit!  
  
_They hand Argentine a cue sheet and leave_.  
  
Argentine; Today we have for you 'the beau from Hugo' - who writes this stuff? - Marius Pontmercy!  
  
_Marius enters, skipping and looking slightly vague. All the women under 17 in the audience sigh. Everyone else rolls their eyes. Some of the men mime slashing their wrists.  
_  
Argentine; Welcome Marius - lovely to meet you.  
Marius; Please to meet you, Mademoiselle  
Argentine; Is your grandfather well?  
Marius; I'd rather not talk about it.  
Argentine; Ooops, sorry. Silly me! Moving on - What is your idea of perfect happiness?  
Marius; Cosette

Argentine; What is your greatest fear?  
Marius; Cosette's dad deciding to move the family to England

Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?  
Marius; Napoleon.  
  
Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?  
Marius; Cosette - isn't it obvious why?  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?  
Marius; I 'm told that I have an inability to act constructively.  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others;  
Marius; Not appreciating the wonders of Cosette or my dad. I mean you Grandpapa - you ruined my life!  
  
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?  
Marius; Courfeyrac nearly finding out about Cosette and my linus blanket.  
  
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?  
Marius; None - though I used to live in a fiacre.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?  
Marius; Following Cosette - it's so time consuming.  
  
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?  
Marius; The handkerchief dropped by Cosette or her dad, my father's ring, the two pistols I never quite got round to returning to Inspector Javert.  
  
Argentine; Where would you like to live?  
Marius; Under Cosette's bed.  
  
Argentine; What makes you depressed?  
Marius; The absence of Cosette

Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?  
Marius; Alas, I am ugly!  
  
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?  
Marius; Stalking Cosette. And borrowing things then not returning them - Javert's pistols, Courfeyrac's money, Jehan's books, Eponine's undying love, Enjolras' personality in the '98 movie . . .  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?  
Marius; Cosette's handkerchief.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite word?  
Marius; Cosette

Argentine; What is your favourite building?  
Marius; Cosette's house.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?  
Marius; Following Cosette in the Luxembourg

Argentine; What is your favourite book?  
Marius; Stalking for dummies

Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?  
Marius; Cosette, me and -

Argentine; - Enough!! How did you vote in the last election?  
Marius; Revolutionary Bonapartist.  
  
Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?  
Marius; Is Cosette a candidate?  
  
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?  
Marius; Yes! Bring back Napoleon - or make Cosette queen!  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?  
Marius; Yes

Argentine; For what cause would you die?  
Marius; Cosette

Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?  
Marius; yes, but obsession is better

Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?  
Marius; Cosette

Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?  
Marius; The old religious lunatic that knocked on my door this morning. Woke me up just to say that stalking young girls is bad.  
  
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?  
Marius; Common sense

Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?  
Marius; No

Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?  
Marius; Cosette, my sweet, sweet angel

Argentine; What is your greatest regret?  
Marius; being too poor to marry Cosette

Argentine; When were you happiest?  
Marius; When I found out where Cosette lives.  
  
Argentine; How do you relax?  
Marius; After a hard day following Cosette, I find thinking about Cosette does the trick.  
  
Argentine; How often do you have sex  
Marius; In my mind? All the time.  
  
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?  
Marius; Marrying Cosette

Argentine; What would your motto be?  
Marius; Not sure - but not 'carpe diem'

Argentine; What keeps you up at night?  
Marius; Thinking about Cosette; And Eponine and Azelma's crazy singing. Urgh!  
  
Argentine; How would you like to die?  
Marius; Without making too much of an effort

Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?  
Marius; I only want Cosette to remember me

Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?  
Marius; Don't wear squeaky shoes when you're following someone.  
Argentine; Thank god that's over! You frankly scare me!  
Marius; Would you like to come and follow Cosette with me?  
Argentine; Love to. Unfortunately I'm washing my hair tonight.  
Marius; But your hair is shorter than mine.  
Argentine; My LEG hair - byee!


	5. Jehan

Interview with a Miserable - Jehan  
  
_Kent sits on the pouffy sofa in the studio, drumming his fingers on the coffee table impatiently  
_  
Kent; You can come on set now Argentine - there's no Marius here

Argentine (_offset, in a very timid voice)_; Do you promise?  
  
Kent; I promise that there is no Marius Pontmercy in this building.

Argentine; But how can you be sure?  
  
Kent; No Cosette therefore no Marius.  
  
_Argentine comes on set, looking around nervously'_  
  
Kent; Don't worry - we've got someone nice for you today  
  
Argentine; Today I'd like you all to welcome, straight from the Café Musain, Jean Prouvaire! Which one is he again?  
  
_Jehan enters, blushing slightly, and sits down_  
  
Argentine; Oh my God - you're gorgeous!  
Jehan; (_Blushes more)_ why, er, thank you -  
Argentine; Oh God, for shame" A heart full of love, A night full of you - Sorry M Prouvaire, I'll be with you in a minute (_to herself_) Deep breaths, deep calming breaths.  
Jehan; Please, call me Jehan.  
Argentine; Certainly, Jehan (_sigh_) What is you idea of perfect happiness? Pick me! Pick me!  
Jehan; for all the world to live in a state of truth, beauty, freedom and love.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?  
Jehan; Spiders, urgh!  
  
Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?  
Jehan: Andre Chenier - he is my idol

Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?  
Jehan; Enjolras

Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?  
Jehan; My inability to write a decent villanelle.  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others;

Jehan; Unkindness and a lack of poetic sensibility.  
  
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?  
Jehan; When Grantaire found my notebook and read all my poems out to the entire café.  
  
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?  
Jehan; At home I have three horses and a Tilbury

Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?  
Jehan; Dreaming - but it is necessary to my soul.  
  
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?  
Jehan; A copy of the complete works of Dante

Argentine; Where would you like to live?  
Jehan; In an ancients grove near Mount Olympus

Argentine; What makes you depressed?  
Jehan; Man's inhumanity to man.  
  
Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?  
Jehan; I think there's a food stain on my coat - I was reading whilst eating last night

Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?  
Jehan; Being a messy eater.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite smell?  
Jehan; wildflowers.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite word?  
Jehan; far too many to chose from - they're all wonderful.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite building?  
Jehan; The Café Musain, for there I meet with my beloved friends.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?  
Jehan; Sometimes I walk alone at night - under the stars.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite book?  
Jehan; Dante, Aeschylus, Juvenal and Isaiah - anything by those four.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?  
Jehan; Truth, beauty, freedom and love.  
  
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?  
Jehan; I was too young

Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?  
Jehan; for whoever will do more for the people.  
  
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?  
Jehan; Yes!

Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?  
Jehan; No

Argentine; For what cause would you die?  
Jehan; Truth, beauty, freedom or love

Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?  
Jehan; Yes

Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?  
Jehan; Poetry

Argentine; (sob) What living person do you most despise and why?  
Jehan; The old religious lunatic that knocked on my door this morning. Told me I should be in church instead of reciting Dante and annoying the neighbours.  
  
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?  
Jehan; All virtues, in moderation, are good. Must be why they're virtues.  
  
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?  
Jehan; Of course not. It was an artistic truth if nothing else

Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?  
Jehan: Dad, can I borrow fifty francs - I need new books?  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?  
Jehan; That the Revolution cut off Andre Chenier's head

Argentine; When were you happiest?  
Jehan; Looking at the moon last night - I wrote a sonnet sequence about it.  
  
Argentine; How do you relax?  
Jehan; I write limericks.  
  
Argentine; How often do you have sex  
Jehan; I'd rather not answer that on national TV - it's a bit crass.  
  
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?  
Jehan; Being able to write a decent villanelle.  
  
Argentine; What would your motto be?  
Jehan; The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.  
  
Argentine; What keeps you up at night?  
Jehan; Contemplating the infinite

Argentine; How would you like to die?  
Jehan; Poetically

Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?  
Jehan; As a poet and friend of the people

Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?  
Jehan; Don't have a drinking contest with Grantaire. It's a big mistake.  
Argentine; I'm in love  
  
_She lunges at him  
_  
Jehan; Mademoiselle, please! I hardly know you!  
  
_He runs, Argentine follows making kissy noises_  
  
Kent; What is wrong with her? I thought he was a bit of a dope  
Shaznay; Yeah, I thought he was a right muppet. And waz his creepy obsession with André Chenier? Bet he's gay!  
  
_Kent nods_  
  
Shaznay; Argentine sure does have some issues tho'  
Kent; Yeah, and we need to straighten her out. Much though I hate to ask Mr Manhattens for advice (_pulls out his mobile phone and dials_) Hello! Is this Javert? Bit of a problem with Argentine - she needs someone to straighten her out . . . Yup . . . absolutely the last resort . . .. Yup . . .yup . .Rue Plumet was that? . . .Perfect (_put down phone_) I think we're cooking with gas.


	6. Valjean

Interview with a Miserable - Valjean  
  
_Argentine sits on the pouffy sofa surrounded by Kent, Javert, Shaznay and M Gisquet looking very humble and meek. Kent and Javert crouch down to be on her eye level and speak very slowly, as if to a small child.  
_  
Kent; Right. Well, you've been served with a restraining order.  
  
_M Gisquet waves a piece of paper.  
  
_Kent; This means that you have to keep 500 yards away from Jean Prouvaire at all times. Understand?  
  
_Argentine nods_  
  
Javert; You do realise that this is serious, don't you? You'rE halfway to committing a criminal offence, and if you commit a criminal offence I'm afraid I won't be able to speak to you any more  
  
Kent; Not to mention that the network will fire you - and probably me! (_aside_ _to Javert_) You're sure this will work?  
  
Javert; This is one of my more infallible plans, yes. I'm sure I'll get exactly what I want out of it.  
  
Kent; Just so long as you're sure.  
  
Argentine (_putting on a professional, cheery 'weathergirl' voice_); I'd like you to welcome a very special guest tonight. From prison to political stardom, this man has done it all - please give it up for M Madeleine!  
  
_No-one comes on stage._  
  
Argentine; Hamm - ok. I'll try again. Please give a warm welcome to M Urbain Fauchelvent!  
  
_Again, no-one  
_  
Argentine; Now I see where I'm going wrong. Come in, Jean Valjean!  
  
_A crazy old man runs in from the audience_  
  
Crazy Old Man; I'm Jean Valjean! I'm Jean Valjean!  
  
Argentine; No, you're vieux Champmathieu.  
  
Champmathieu; So I am!  
  
Argentine; Now bugger off you crazy old fruit bat! Let's think . . . Tiens, tiens, tiens . . .Eureka! I've got it! 24601 get your arse in here now!  
  
_Valjean enters with an air of saintly calm_.  
  
Valjean; They were right - you do have issues. Would you like to talk to me about them? Why don't you tell me about your mother my child?  
Argentine; I'm the interviewer, you're the interviewee. Ergo I ask the questions. And I'm not a child - I just act like one.  
Valjean; As you wish.  
Argentine; And aren't you the one who drove Javert to suicide and Fantine to prostitution? They're two of my best friends - I'm not at all pleased with you!  
Valjean; Alas! I am a wretched sinner! (_thinks for a moment_) Dear Lord! You know Javert! Where is he? Does he know I'm here? Is my secret safe?  
Argentine: You're on national TV honey - I think it's a little late to worry. So, what is your idea of perfect happiness?  
Valjean; Not to have to live like this anymore. I'm no more than an alibi.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest fear?  
Valjean; That Javert is lurking in the studio. And going to hell (_shivers_)  
  
Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?  
Valjean: Jesus

Argentine; What living person do you most admire and why?  
Valjean; Cosette - she is my perfect angel.  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?  
Valjean; Where to begin . . .  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?  
Valjean; They are all God's creatures. What right have I to judge them  
  
Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?  
Valjean; I farted in church last Thursday.  
  
Argentine; What vehicles do you own?  
Valjean; None at the moment. I don't seem to have much luck with them.  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?  
Valjean; Cosette's wardrobe - it's ruinous!  
  
Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?  
Valjean; A Bible Cosette's kiddy cloths and a metal file cunningly concealed inside a coin.  
  
Argentine; Where would you like to live?  
Valjean; Um, Martinique sounds nice.  
  
Argentine; What makes you depressed?  
Valjean; The fact that I am a wretch and outcast

Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?  
Valjean; Having 24601 tattooed on my chest.  
  
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?  
Valjean; Robbing small children and elderly clergymen

Javert (offset) He confesses!  
Valjean; What was that?  
Argentine; Nothing. I have Tourette's. What is your favourite smell?  
Valjean; Incense

Argentine; What is your favourite word?  
Valjean; Freedom.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite building?  
Valjean; My dear old factory back in Montreuil. And any church.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?  
Valjean; Home to Cosette.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite book?  
Valjean; The Bible.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?  
Valjean; Being truly free and living alone with Cosette in Martinique growing bananas.  
  
Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?  
Valjean; I was hiding in a convent and consequently missed it

Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?  
Valjean; Don't think will. Might make me look . . Conspicuous.  
  
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?  
Valjean; No, I don't think so.  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?  
Valjean; No

Argentine; For what cause would you die?  
Valjean; Cosette. Or any other just, worthy cause.  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?  
Valjean; Yes

Argentine; Who or what is the greatest love of your life?  
Valjean; Cosette.  
  
Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?  
Valjean; Thenardier. Though one mustn't judge.

Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?  
Valjean; Obedience 

Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?  
Valjean; since I have only ever said 'I love you' to Cosette and my geraniums, no.  
  
Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?  
Valjean; Woe is me! I am a wretched creature!  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest regret?  
Valjean; All those escape attempts - that was really thick of me.  
  
Argentine; When were you happiest?  
Valjean; When I go around knocking on peoples' door in the morning telling them to be kind, merciful, chaste, not to drink and to go to church.  
  
Argentine; How do you relax?  
Valjean; I garden

Argentine; How often do you have sex?  
Valjean; I have never had sex.  
  
Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?  
Valjean; Not having a criminal record

Argentine; What would your motto be?  
Valjean; Love thy neighbour.  
  
Argentine; What keeps you up at night?  
Valjean; I think I'm getting arthritis

Argentine; How would you like to die?  
Valjean; Peacefully with Cosette at my side.  
  
Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?  
Valjean; I would prefer that all traces of my miserable life disappeared with me.  
  
Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?  
Valjean; To always be nice, whatever the circumstances.  
Argentine; Y'know - you're really not a bad bloke at all. In fact, I quite like you.  
Valjean; Thanks. That means a lot. I only wish Marius would say the same. I mean, I rescued him from the barricades and -  
Argentine(_goes pale_) You did what?  
Valjean; Rescued him from the barricades. He had been mortally wounded so I carried him through the sewer then -  
Argentine; You bastard! That is unforgivable! The world could have been a Marius-free place but for you! 9($&ing idiot!  
  
_Attacks Valjean  
_  
Kent; OMG! She's attacking him! That's a criminal offence. Javert! Come and arrest her  
Javert (_whistling a happy tune_) I'm afraid I've gone temporarily blind - old war would y'know  
Kent; Your plan has gone horribly wrong, Inspector. (_notices Javert's smile of pure, childlike delight as Argentine claws at Valjean's face)_ Hang on just a god dam minute! That was your plan all along, wasn't it?  
Javert; (_smiling the most disdainful, unabashed and resolute of smiles_) Like I said, 'this is one of my more infallible plans. I'm sure I'll get exactly what I want.'


	7. Eponine

Interview with a Miserable - Eponine  
  
_A young man lurks on the dark and deserted 'interview' set. He is slight, well-dressed (in an early 19th century equivalent of 'bling-bling') and very handsome. He is holding and enormous bunch of flowers.. Shaznay wanders aimlessly onto the set eating a muffin and listening to 'urban' music on her I-pod. She sees the young man and removes one earphone to go and speak to him.  
_  
Shaznay; Hey! Wot you doin' here? Like your hat, by tha way.  
Montparnasse; Thanks. And what I'm doing icicaille is chiefly this - presenting flowers to a beautiful girl.  
Shaznay _(making a grab at them_) Ta very much!  
Montparnasse; Ha! I like that. You've a mind like a tsurin, mam'selle - I like that in a girl. Seriously though - is Eponine about?  
Shaznay; Yeah - she'll be on in a minute. All you gotta do is wait. Wanna listen? _(gives Montparnasse the other earphone_)  
Montparnasse; This is good - we sing something similar in La Force  
  
_Montparnasse is just about to sing when a very peeved Kent rushes on stage_  
  
Kent; How the Hell did you get in? What the crap are you doing here? Why haven't you gotten rid of him, kid? You know we can't have random members of the public wandering around. Security! Security!  
  
_Stevo, a security guard of Neanderthal proportions, lumbers over.  
  
_Kent; Remove this man.  
  
_Stevo escorts Montparnasse out  
_  
Shaznay; Cha man! What you have to go and do that for? I liked him - he was street, man!  
  
Kent; Whatever. Cameras roll in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,  
  
Argentine;i_(has arm in a plaster cast upon which has been written, in green felt_ _tip, 'At least it wasn't ur drinking arm! - R'_) Welcome to tonight's episode of 'Interview with a Miserable' and I 'd like you to give a big welcome to the rose of the underworld, Eponine Thenardier!  
  
_Enter Eponine, who has been thoroughly 'Eppie-Sue - ed' by makeup.  
  
_Argentine; Welcome, welcome - and how are you today Eponine?  
Eponine; Ooh - breakfast! _(starts eating the flower arrangement. Then squints_ _at the auto-cue and reads_) So, what is you're idea of perfect happiness?  
Argentine; What are you doing?  
Eponine; I can read y'know - we've had an education, my sister and me. We weren't brought up to be -  
Argentine: That's nice. So, what is your idea of perfect happiness?  
Eponine; To sleep in Marius' embrace at last

Argentine; What is your greatest fear?  
Eponine; Water, yeurgh

Argentine; With what historical figure do you most identify?  
Eponine; Napoleon. We're all real Bonapartists in my family. My father -  
  
Argentine(_ cutting in_); What living person do you most admire and why?  
Eponine; M Marius. Sigh

Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?  
Eponine; Some have called me strange . . .  
  
Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?  
Eponine; Meanness - can't stand a meany

Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing moment?  
Eponine; Every time my father makes me wear those awful men's shoes - I just want to die

Argentine; What vehicles do you own?  
Eponine; What do you think I am? A Rothschild?  
  
Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?  
Eponine; The theatre

Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you?  
Eponine. A knife, A really sharp knife. And a lock of Marius' hair that I cut off with the knife.  
  
Argentine; Where would you like to live?  
Eponine; In a palace, with Marius.  
  
Argentine; What makes you depressed?  
Eponine; Being hungry and knowing that Marius will never love me.  
  
Argentine; What do you most dislike about you appearance?  
Eponine; Bad teeth, stringy hair - what's to like?  
  
Argentine; What is your most unappealing habit?  
Eponine; So many to choose from - crazy singing, hallucinogenic rambles, stalking. And I bet old Javert doesn't know that I eat out of the Prefecture dustbins

Argentine; He probably does now. What is your favourite smell?  
Eponine; Bread.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite word?  
Eponine; Marius

Argentine; What is your favourite building?  
Eponine; The Prefecture - only cos of the dustbins you understand.  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite journey?  
Eponine; Walking around Paris hallucinating due to hunger - it's an experience  
  
Argentine; What is your favourite book?  
Eponine; We burnt them all last winter. But I nicked this from Marius' yesterday (_produces an incredibly dull legal textbook_) so now it's my favourite

Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?  
Eponine; Me, Marius, Moonlight, romantic music, Cosette boiling in a vat of hot oil

Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?  
Eponine; What?  
  
Argentine; And how will you be voting in the next election?  
Eponine; Huh?  
  
Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?  
Eponine; What do I care?  
  
Argentine; Do you believe in corporal punishment?  
Eponine; No, what's the sense in it? What earthly good does it do?  
  
Argentine; For what cause would you die?  
Eponine; Marius

Argentine; Do you believe in monogamy?  
Eponine; Yes, with Marius. But don't tell 'Parnasse I said that

Argentine; Once again, I think it's a bit late. Who or what is the greatest love of your life?  
Eponine; Marius

Argentine; What living person do you most despise and why?  
Eponine; Cosette. I want to rip her gizzards out.  
  
Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?  
Eponine; Is not stealing things a virtue?  
  
Argentine; Have you ever said 'I love you' without meaning it?  
Eponine; I've learned my lesson so I'm not answering that

Argentine; Which words or phrases do you most overuse?  
Eponine; Watch out, the boogies are about

Argentine; What is your greatest regret?  
Eponine; Being a poor, crazy street rat.  
  
Argentine; When were you happiest?  
Eponine; That time I made Cosette eat a frog when we were seven.  
  
Argentine; How do you relax?  
Eponine; I sing

Argentine; How often do you have sex?  
Eponine; Oh, all the time - woman like me

Argentine; What single thing would improve the quality of your life?  
Eponine; Could breakfast, lunch and dinner be counted as one thing?  
  
Argentine; What would your motto be?  
Eponine; I dunno - I think mottos are a bit crappy. 'All for love' maybe?  
  
Argentine; What keeps you up at night?  
Eponine; Standing on street corners in the bloomin' snow for one of Dad's stupid schemes.  
  
Argentine; How would you like to die?  
Eponine; In Marius' arms

Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?  
Eponine; I would like Marius to remember me as gorgeous and wonderful - at the moment he runs away from me

Argentine; What's the most important lesson life has taught you?  
Eponine; That it's a bitch  
Argentine; Oh God - I have seen my future!. Is this what I am to become (_rapidly growing delirious. Hugs Eponine_) Thank you spirit, thank you! I will live in the past, the present and the future, keep Christmas all the year, and stay away from Jean Prouvaire!  
  
_Eponine shrugs and returns to eating the flowers and reading off the autocue_  
  
Eponine; 'And that's a very good night from me on 'Interview with a Miserable''


	8. Enjolras and Finale

_Pre show, Various Mizzies in evening dress mill about with drinks and canapés. Kent (wearing a tux) enters with Stevo (in an MIB style suit)_

Kent; Ok guys – backstage party in actually happening in the green room just of set. So scram so we can start filming!

_The mizzies slouch off clutching their champagne._

Kent; Now Srevo, you are sure that security's as tigh6t as it can possibly be?

Stevo; Yes boss.

Kent; Cos we don't want a repeat of that incident at the BBC when they had Jack Sparrow in, do we?

Stevo; No boss.

Kent; Well, if you're sure – lights! Camera! Action!

_Argentine enters in an evening gown and sirs on the pouffy sofa._

Argentine; Welcome one and all to this special gala episode of 'Interview with a Miserable' – the last in the series! Since this is our final episode I would like to thank you, my beautiful public, and to introduce a very special guest – please welcome Enjolras!

_The band strikes up 'Red and Black' and Enjolras (in his sexy waistcoat) enters. The crowd goes wild – lots of hormonal screaming and knicker throwing._

Argentine; Well, we've never had a reaction like THAT before! Frankly it makes me nervous.

Enjolras; It is rather different to the usual apathy of the masses. And why is almost the entire audience female?

Argentine; Hhhmmm, good point. Anyway, it's lovely to have you here. Shall we proceed?

Enjolras; By all means,

Argentine; What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Enjolras; A free, utopian French republic.

Argentine; What is your greatest fear?

Enjolras; Waking up in the night and finding Grantaire licking my face.

Argentine; With which historical figure do you most identify?

Enjolras; Robespierre.

Argentine; Which living person do you most admire?

Enjolras; Lamarque

Argentine; what is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

Enjolras; I could do more to further the revolutionary cause if I really made the effort – of started taking amphetamines.

Argentine; What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Enjolras; Apathy.

Argentine; What has been your most embarrassing momet?

Enjolras; Whenthe other's found out that I can't spell 'revolutionary' - I'm dyslexic

Argentine; What vehicles do you own?

Enjolras; None

Argentine; What is your greatest extravagance?

Enjolras; Time spent caring for my waistcoat..

Argentine; What objects do you always carry with you/

Enjolras; The consitution of the year 1 and some mints.

Argentine; Where would you like to live?

Enjolras; In a free, utopian French repunlic

Argentine; What makes you depressed?

Enjolras; Tyranny

Argentine;What do you most dislike about your appearence?

Enjolras; I have no time for such frivolity. Anyway, I'm gorgeous.

Argentine; What is you most unnappealing habit?

Enjolras; Making chapter long speeches

Argentine; What is your favourite smell?

Enjolras; Teen spirit.

Argentine; What is your favourite building?

Emjolras; A barricade is better then any building

Argentine; What is your favourite journey?

Enjolras; From home to Paris.

What is your favourite book?

Enjolras; Anything by Rousseau (stands on table) 'Man in born free yet everywhere he is in chains' (sits down)

Argentine; What is your favourite fantasy?

Enjolras; A free, utopian Freanch republic.

Argentine; How did you vote in the last election?

Enjolras; I didn't - it was a mockery.

Argentine; How will you vote in the next election?

Enjolras; Hopefully I will have overthrown the government by then.

Argentine; Should the royal family be scrapped?

Enjplras; Yes!

Argentine; Do you agree with corporal punishment?

Enjolras; No (thinks) Hang on - I shot Javert and La Cubac, so yes.

Argentine; For what cause would you die?

Enjolras; Freedom.

Argentine; Do you bekive in monogamy?

Enjolras; I am faithful only to Patria.

Argentine; Who or what is the love of your life?

Enjolras; Freedom

Argentine; Which living person do you most despise?

Enjolras; The King - stupid lousy king.

Argentine; What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Enjolras; Obedience.

Argentine; Have you ever sauid 'I love you' without meaning it?

Enjolras; I have never said 'I love you'

Argentine; What words or phrases do you most overuse?

Enjolras; To arms, citizens!

Argentine; What is your greatest regret?

Enjolras; Not having planned July '32 a bit better – we didn't even make sandwiches.

Argentine; When are you happiest?

Enjolras; Making chapter long speeches.

Argentine; How do you relax?

Enjolras; Scrabble.

Argentine; How often do you have sex?

Enjolras; I have vowed never to have sex until the world is free.

Argentine; What single thing would most improve the quality of your life?

Enjolras; A free, utopian French republic.

Argentine; What would your motto be?

Enjolras; Liberty, equality, brotherhood

Argentine; What keeps you awake at night?

Enjolras; Writing angry letters to the newspapers.

Argentine; How would you like to die?

Enjolras; Valiantly, for the revolutionary cause.

Argentine; How would you like to be remembered?

Enjolras; As a great leader

Argentine; What lessons has life taught you?

Enjolras; Find the right waistcoat and the world is your oyster, and never trust Grantaire to do ANYTHING.

Argentine; Thank you, that was really, really . . . what's that noise?

_A noise like the approach of a herd of stampeding wildebeests is heard_

Enjolras; It sounds horribly familiar. . .

Argentine; Yeah – like that episode of 'Tonight with Jonathon Ross' when they got Jack Sparrow on.

Enjolras; Eeep!

_Stevo runs onto the set._

Stevo; Quick! Quick! Get backstage! The fangirls have broken through our defences. Run for you lives!

_They run as a torrent of women appear screeching 'we love Enjy!'_

_Offset, some time later_

Javert; Righty-ho, we've been barricaded in her for 2 days now.

Grantaire; And we've drunk all the champagne

Shaznay; And eaten all the canapés except those creepy things that may or may not be prawn.

_Everyone shudders._

Valjean (_sings)_ Kumbaya my Lord, Kumbaya

Bossuet; We have to get out of here!

Joly; Now.

Argentine; Concur – but how?

Fantine; Its all pretty boy's fault!

Eponine; Pretty boy was the one who built the barricade – we'd have been eaten alive if it weren't for him!

Fantine; But it's his fault they're here in the first place! Never trust a handsome man – that's my motto. I say we hand him over to his painful, grisly death and get on with our lives.

_Cries of dissent_

Argentine; Or we could all stop fighting amongst ourselves?!

Kent; Yeah Shut up Fantine – you're driving me mad!

Enjolras; No, she's right. I should go out and face my destiny.

Jehan; We can't let you go – it's too much of a chance.

Marius; Yeah – why can't we send Gavroche?

Gavroche; Did that plan work last time? No! 'Nuff said.

Javert _(to himself_) Well now, I think I have the beginnings of a plan – let's see, let's see – everyone, I have a plan!

Feuilly; Shut up mouchard!

Valjean; And since when have your plans ever worked anyway? You couldn't even catch me!

Javert; Fine! Be that way. Bunch of ingrates

Eponine; Who are you calling 'ingrates'?

Gavroche; What's an 'ingrate' anyway?

Kent; Could you all SHUT UP!!!

_Several hours later_

Grantaire; Those prawn things are starting to look quite appealing.

Argentine; We can't go on like this!

Cosette _(very politely)_ Monsieur Javert, please tell us your plan

Javert; Very well Mademoiselle. Although I'm curious to know how your daughter has acquired such beautiful manners, Valjean, when you have none yourself.  
My plan is this. Fantine suggested handing over Enjolras to the fangirls, which you are all unwilling to do. I suggest giving them - Kent

All; WTF?

Javert; He bears a startling physical resemblance to Enjolras

All; Blimey! So he does!

Argentine; Great plan Inspector – bye Kent!

Kent; What's in it for me?

Javert; Ummmm . . .

Argentine; Glory! You go out there with a hand held camera, brave the danger, fend them off and Bingo! World exclusive and Job offers as a CNN foreign correspondent.

Kent; Well . . .

Shaznay; Don't forget all those eager groupies wanting to throw their knickers at you

Kent; I'll do it!

_Later. The plan has clearly worked and the swanky 30's themed cocktail party has resumed. The production team and main mizzies are assembled in one corner. Kent appears, beaming_

Kent; Guess what guys? That was CNN on the phone – I'm goin' to Iraq! (Punches the air) Of course, the fangirls are coming too

_Fangirls sigh dreamily._

Kent; So, what's everyone else up to?

Fantine; Well, Valjean and I have decided to get married. As Cosette's parents we really ought to be –

Valjean; - And we're moving to Martinique

Cosette and Marius; We're going too!

Javert; I'm moving abroad to start a cocktail bar cum detective agency – with Argentine

Argentine; In a platonic way, you understand

Kent gives her a 'whatever!' kind of look

Argentine; You have a filthy mind, Kent. Anyway, Grantaire's coming too.

Grantaire; I'm chief customer!

Kent; So what's gonna happen to 'Interview'?

Shaznay; I've been offered the contract. I's presenting it with Montparnasse.

Kent; Just presenting?

Montparnasse; Well no (_puts his arm around her)._ We're calling it 'The Gorbeau Show'

Kent; Can't think where you got that from . . .

Montparnasse. We did ask her. The whole of Patron-minette are involved - 'cept Eponine.

Eponine; Yeah, I'm going out with Enjolras now – it's what the public wants

Enjolras; And we will all continue to fight for a free, utopian French republic

Bossuet; Apart from Jehan –

Jehan; Yeah, I'm leaving to concentrate on my writing. And I've finally admitted I'm gay. I'm going to begin a romance of letters with Grantaire so that people can gain insight into my tortured soul when I'm dead and famous.

Kent; Well, things seem to have worked out nicely for everyone.

Cosette; If we were in a musical. I'd say it would be time for a song

_Eponine prepares to sing_

Argentine; I never thought I'd say this but, fortunately, life isn't a musical.

Javert; Don't be so miserable – you've got to have a song at the end!

Fantine; Precisely

Argentine; I'd love to do a song but Eponine's singing frightens me so I'm vetoing the whole idea.

Valjean; Well, as oldest and most beloved Miserable, I say we do a song. Javert, will you join me?

_Valjean and Javert, in top hat and tails, walk to the front of the stage. Music starts_.

Valjean; There may be trouble ahead

Javert; But while there's moonlight

Valjean; And music

Javert; And love

Valjean; And romance

Both; Let's face the music and dance!

_They grab Fantine and Argentine and start doing Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers's type dancing_

Valjean; Before the fiddlers have fled

Fantine; Before they ask us to pay the bill

Javert; And while we still have the chance

Argentine; Let's face the music and dance!

_They are joined by Cosette and Marius, Shaznay and Montparnasse, Enjolras and Eponine and Grantaire and Jehan._

Shaznay; Soon, we'll be without the moon

Montparnasse; Humming a different tune, and then

Grantaire; There nay be teardrops to fall

Jehan; But while there's moonlight

Eponine; And music

Enjolras; And love and romance

Cosette; Let's face the music and dance! Dance!

Marius; Let's face the music and dance!

_Kent. Les Amis, Patron-minette and the fangirls form a Busby Berkeley style chorus line,_

Kent; There may be trouble ahead

Chorus; But while there's moonlight

Kent; and music

Chorus; And love

Kent; And romance

Chorus; Let's face the music and dance! Dance

Let's face the music and dance!

Valjean; So while there's moonlight

Fantine; And music

Javert; And love

Argentine; And romance

All; Let's face the music and dance!


End file.
